In three days it will be my second Widow Wedding Anniversary and would have been my fourth overall. Perhaps because my marriage was short I am mostly grooving through this marker but I can sense it on the horizon regardless, that lingering sense of past. Having adapted to no longer being married or in a long term relationship I don’t feel the need to linger on this event too long but I do make a nodding reference to all that day held for us and mainly how much fun that day was – plucked out of space and time – we had FUN.
But of course now as a widow there are elements to my anniversary day that are not as sparky and for reasons unique to my own marriage I actually spent ALL of my wedding anniversaries away from my husband. The first one found me agonisingly re-treading the path we took from home to registry office to pub to hotel whilst my son slept in his buggy – that was a painful exercise – why did I do that to myself? For some it might seem torture to re take those steps but actually it was integral to my grieving a relationship and my doggedly persistent artist’s brain insisted I live it rather than ignore it.
The next one is a blur I think I spent it with my mum and kids. I possibly took some time out to mark it on my own and remember. The third one was the first as a widow which was last year and actually not so bad as every other “first” that happened such as my Son’s birthday. Again I was with members of my family and the wedding paled into comparison when faced with those bigger events during the first year of bereavement. In fact grief has subsided to a place where I feel so much pain for my son and little now for myself. It was my most important relationship, (with a man, anyway), that prompted me to even contemplate the idea of tying the knot, (not previously a marriage type!), and the only real reason for it in the future would have legal and financial foundations. As widows we all know how society can work the favour of the married couple. That is not to say I have lost all romantic notion – but for now at least, I channel the romance into my work and the care towards my children. Throughout time widows have sought this the best option in the short term and currently it is serving me well. I advise it! Especially if the lives of you and your spouse were knotted together like a thorn bush. Finding yourself again can be like waking a sleeping princess – a knock on effect for an entire kingdom.