It’s been a while since I actually wrote anything personal and to be on the level here I just have not had the energy 🙂

I got particularly fretful and useless over the full moons we just experienced and then very numb over the new moon period. I know from my own rhythm that I need to work between new moon and full moon phases as quickly as possible because that part in between really hits where it hurts. The full moon is due two days after Luke’s upcoming inquest and so I am secretly I guess terrified of my own emotional responses. As a result I’ve cracked on with tech and design that needed to be done here and left the writing until now.

The process is, I expect, just one of waves that we have to go through that I have spoken of before. This morning I had a good old cry in the middle of my chakra meditation as I was clearing my ear and crown chakras. I was guided to start writing again today. I also find it helpful to wax lyrical at photos of Luke sometimes so I did that too. Scheduled grief time.

A lot of people have remarked that I’ve stayed strong throughout the whole of our four year journey. We have been abandoned and legally homeless. I endured a pretty horrendous pregnancy and multiple problems with Ulcerative Colitis versus massive baby wanting out. I did it all without a husband to hold my hand. Every scan bar the first I was alone. Every A&E visit in the middle of the night prompted questions from staff. Can we call your husband? Well, yeah if you can tell me where he is. And I was forced to start a divorce that never even reached nisi stage. Pretty crappy trail of events trod deep by Luke’s bereavement led cyclomythia and my own reluctance to let go.

I believed in him. Lots of people believed in him. Many were afraid of his mental issues which has opened my eyes about how society really views mental illness. Between that and the topic of suicide it is tumbleweed city. Would anyone else be this strong? I think they would. They would have no choice even if they ran to their mammas – running to mine is not an option geographically for my own children but I have often thought about it.

The word strong is a crazy one – it is like the word stubborn. Everyone has flaws. Everyone chooses stubborn as a go to flaw that they hope everyone else will appreciate as knowing their own mind or always being right. Or being the strong one.

I know I am strong because I always bounce back. And I always perform a super freaking amazeballs bounce. Not just your average run of the mill easter bunny. Every morning I find myself new to this world full of variables I can’t change. So do you. Strong is what you make of it, whatever your circumstances.

Photo credit: Pinterest 

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