Nine months is the period of time it takes to grow a baby. It is not the period of time in which to fully put a loved one behind you when you are still “in his shoes” so to speak – but I hope by Christmas time there will be some completion of matters, some resolution. Some chance to think about the new people, places and situations that are cropping up in our lives. The guides tell me December! Especially 3rd December. We shall see then won’t we? I don’t believe in luck but I still have my fingers crossed.
Today people are viewing our live auctions at the business premises – threading their way between eerie racks of clothing – poking about in bric a brac. Me and my son are home tucked up in bed, (he’s given me the cold dammit), and so I am working and he is playing with his trains. Any minute now my girl is going to arrive back from school and we will all continue and carry on as our lives request of us.
For the first three months of this grief journey I had no website, no social media accounts and only just barely joined WAY when my counsellor suggested it. My mum was with me for the first two weeks and made eggs for almost every meal. I ate a lot of eggs. I barely remember it. I often sat on the floor in despair telling people that I couldn’t do it. Kind of begging them to put me down also. Then my daughter spoke up – “Life will just be always sad now won’t it?” and that was a catalyst moment to drag my sorry ass off the ground. Small things like going to supermarkets where I used to shop with Luke would drive invisible daggers into me with every step. When I do it now the wound aches and can affect the way I walk sometimes but it is no longer searing pain to make it to the milk aisle.
I do not know how I have got to this nine month mark still alive. That is the truth of it but I do know the best mechanism to stay resilient is to remind yourself that you are a new person everyday. You do not carry the burden from yesterday or the day before. Think new – everyday. ♥